The Q Smith 'Twitter' Thread

[Q Smith]

The Top 10 April Fool's Day Hoaxes:

#1: The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest
1957: The respected BBC news show Panorama announced that thanks to a very mild winter and the virtual elimination of the dreaded spaghetti weevil, Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti crop. It accompanied this announcement with footage of Swiss peasants pulling strands of spaghetti down from trees. Huge numbers of viewers were taken in. Many called the BBC wanting to know how they could grow their own spaghetti tree. To this the BBC diplomatically replied, "place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce and hope for the best."

#2: Sidd Finch
1985: Sports Illustrated published a story about a new rookie pitcher who planned to play for the Mets. His name was Sidd Finch, and he could reportedly throw a baseball at 168 mph with pinpoint accuracy. This was 65 mph faster than the previous record. Surprisingly, Sidd Finch had never even played the game before. Instead, he had mastered the "art of the pitch" in a Tibetan monastery under the guidance of the "great poet-saint Lama Milaraspa." Mets fans celebrated their teams' amazing luck at having found such a gifted player, and Sports Illustrated was flooded with requests for more information. In reality this legendary player only existed in the imagination of the author of the article, George Plimpton.

#3: Instant Color TV
1962: In 1962 there was only one tv channel in Sweden, and it broadcast in black and white. The station's technical expert, Kjell Stensson, appeared on the news to announce that, thanks to a new technology, viewers could convert their existing sets to display color reception. All they had to do was pull a nylon stocking over their tv screen. Stensson proceeded to demonstrate the process. Thousands of people were taken in. Regular color broadcasts only commenced in Sweden on April 1, 1970.

#4: The Taco Liberty Bell
1996: The Taco Bell Corporation announced it had bought the Liberty Bell and was renaming it the Taco Liberty Bell. Hundreds of outraged citizens called the National Historic Park in Philadelphia where the bell was housed to express their anger. Their nerves were only calmed when Taco Bell revealed, a few hours later, that it was all a practical joke. The best line of the day came when White House press secretary Mike McCurry was asked about the sale. Thinking on his feet, he responded that the Lincoln Memorial had also been sold. It would now be known, he said, as the Ford Lincoln Mercury Memorial.

#5: San Serriffe
1977: The British newspaper The Guardian published a special seven-page supplement devoted to San Serriffe, a small republic said to consist of several semi-colon-shaped islands located in the Indian Ocean. A series of articles affectionately described the geography and culture of this obscure nation. Its two main islands were named Upper Caisse and Lower Caisse. Its capital was Bodoni, and its leader was General Pica. The Guardian's phones rang all day as readers sought more information about the idyllic holiday spot. Only a few noticed that everything about the island was named after printer's terminology. The success of this hoax is widely credited with launching the enthusiasm for April Foolery that gripped the British tabloids in subsequent decades.

#6: Nixon for President
1992: National Public Radio's Talk of the Nation program announced that Richard Nixon, in a surprise move, was running for President again. His new campaign slogan was, "I didn't do anything wrong, and I won't do it again." Accompanying this announcement were audio clips of Nixon delivering his candidacy speech. Listeners responded viscerally to the announcement, flooding the show with calls expressing shock and outrage. Only during the second half of the show did the host John Hockenberry reveal that the announcement was a practical joke. Nixon's voice was impersonated by comedian Rich Little.

#7: Alabama Changes the Value of Pi
1998: The April 1998 issue of the New Mexicans for Science and Reason newsletter contained an article claiming that the Alabama state legislature had voted to change the value of the mathematical constant pi from 3.14159 to the 'Biblical value' of 3.0. Soon the article made its way onto the internet, and then it rapidly spread around the world, forwarded by email. It only became apparent how far the article had spread when the Alabama legislature began receiving hundreds of calls from people protesting the legislation. The original article, which was intended as a parody of legislative attempts to circumscribe the teaching of evolution, was written by physicist Mark Boslough.

#8: The Left-Handed Whopper
1998: Burger King published a full page advertisement in USA Today announcing the introduction of a new item to their menu: a "Left-Handed Whopper" specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new whopper included the same ingredients as the original Whopper (lettuce, tomato, hamburger patty, etc.), but all the condiments were rotated 180 degrees for the benefit of their left-handed customers. The following day Burger King issued a follow-up release revealing that although the Left-Handed Whopper was a hoax, thousands of customers had gone into restaurants to request the new sandwich. Simultaneously, according to the press release, "many others requested their own 'right handed' version."

#9: Hotheaded Naked Ice Borers
1995: Discover Magazine reported that the highly respected wildlife biologist Dr. Aprile Pazzo had found a new species in Antarctica: the hotheaded naked ice borer. These fascinating creatures had bony plates on their heads that, fed by numerous blood vessels, could become burning hot, allowing the animals to bore through ice at high speeds. They used this ability to hunt penguins, melting the ice beneath the penguins and causing them to sink downwards into the resulting slush where the hotheads consumed them. After much research, Dr. Pazzo theorized that the hotheads might have been responsible for the mysterious disappearance of noted Antarctic explorer Philippe Poisson in 1837. "To the ice borers, he would have looked like a penguin," the article quoted her as saying. Discover received more mail in response to this article than they had received for any other article in their history.

#10: Planetary Alignment Decreases Gravity
1976: The British astronomer Patrick Moore announced on BBC Radio 2 that at 9:47 AM a once-in-a-lifetime astronomical event was going to occur that listeners could experience in their very own homes. The planet Pluto would pass behind Jupiter, temporarily causing a gravitational alignment that would counteract and lessen the Earth's own gravity. Moore told his listeners that if they jumped in the air at the exact moment that this planetary alignment occurred, they would experience a strange floating sensation. When 9:47 AM arrived, BBC2 began to receive hundreds of phone calls from listeners claiming to have felt the sensation. One woman even reported that she and her eleven friends had risen from their chairs and floated around the room.

Man I loved reading these!

[Q Smith]

Hilarious poem:

I Am My Own Grandpa

Many, many years ago
When I was twenty-three
I got married to a widow
Pretty as could be.

This widow had a grow-up daughter
With flowing hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
Now my daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandma, too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw,
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!

[Q Smith]

I just found the following news article, about how Obama was heckled by protesters during his speech on abortion.

Obama heckled by protesters during speech on abortion | Herald Sun

Any comments?

[Q Smith]

Talk about record speed!

[Q Smith]

Some memorable 'Fawlty Towers' quotes (warning: some are controversial!)

Sybil Fawlty: [Sybil suggests a way to get rid of Manuel's rat] Perhaps it would be simplest to have him put to S-L-E-E-P.
Basil Fawlty: Who? Him or the rat? I could get a discount if we get them both done.
Manuel: [suspiciously] Spleep?

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Basil Fawlty: [two guests are speaking to Basil in German] Oh, German. I'm sorry, I thought there was something wrong with you.

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Basil Fawlty: Polly, what's that smell?
Polly: Flowers, I just got them from the garden.
Basil Fawlty: Well, what are you stinking the place up with those for? What's happened to the plastic ones?
Polly: Being ironed.

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Basil Fawlty: You'll have to forgive him. He's from Barcelona.

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Basil Fawlty: Right, well I'll go and have a lie down then. No I won't; I'll go and hit some guests.

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O'Reilly: The problem with you, Mr. Fawlty, is that you worry too much. You keep it up like this, you'll have a stroke before fifty. Stone dead you'll be.

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Manuel: [to garden gnome] No Room 16 for you!

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Basil Fawlty: Where are the pens?
Sybil Fawlty: They're in that box. It says "pens" quite clearly.
Basil Fawlty: Looks more like "Ben's."
Sybil Fawlty: Well, then when Ben comes, you can give it to him.

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Basil Fawlty: I'll ruin you. You'll never waitress in Torquay again.

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Basil Fawlty: [indicating Sybil] This, Basil's wife.
[indicating himself]
Basil Fawlty: This, Basil. This, smack on head.
[smacks Manuel on the head]

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Basil Fawlty: Manuel will show you to your rooms - if you're lucky.

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Basil Fawlty: It's alright, he's only choking.

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[Basil has just found out that Kurt has a crush on Manuel]
Basil Fawlty: I knew it. I knew this would happen if we hired a Frenchman.
Polly: He's Greek, Mr. Fawlty.
Basil Fawlty: Greek?
Polly: Of course.
Basil Fawlty: Well that's worse, I mean they invented it.

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Sybil Fawlty: [on the phone] I know... I know... I know... Oh, I know!
Basil Fawlty: Then why is she telling you?

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Basil Fawlty: Good night!
[Mr. Leeman doesn't answer]
Basil Fawlty: I said, "Good night!"
Mr. Leeman: Oh, good night!
Basil Fawlty: That didn't hurt, did it?

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Miss Ursula Tibbs: [Referring to a dead body] He's dead!
Basil Fawlty: Yes it's her husband. She hasn't got over it. Died thirty years ago.

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Basil Fawlty: Come on out! Rause! Rause! Rause!

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Sybil Fawlty: Are you still here Basil?
Basil Fawlty: No, I went a few minutes ago dear, but I expect I'll be back shortly.

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Basil Fawlty: This is typical. Absolutely typical... of the kind of...
[shouting]
Basil Fawlty: ARSE I have to put up with from you people. You ponce in here expecting to be waited on hand and foot, while I'm trying to run a hotel here. Have you any idea of how much there is to do? Do you ever think of that? Of course not, you're all too busy sticking your noses into every corner, poking around for things to complain about, aren't you? Well let me tell you something - this is exactly how Nazi Germany started. A lot of layabouts with nothing better to do than to cause trouble. Well I've had fifteen years of pandering to the likes of you, and I've had enough. I've had it. Come on, pack your bags and get out.

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Basil Fawlty: [to telephone operator] I've been trying to get through to the speaking clock... Well, it's engaged... Well, it's been engaged for ten minutes. How is this possible? My wife isn't talking to it.

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Basil Fawlty: Well, of course it's a rat. You have rats in Spain, don't you - or did Franco have them all shot?

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Basil Fawlty: I'll put an ad in the papers: "Wanted, kind home for enormous savage rodent. Answers to the name of Sybil."

[Q Smith]

Trust me, you'll love the images at star trek chess - Google Image Search

[Q Smith]

Some amusing information on 'Klingons':

Klingons (Klingon: tlhIngan; Pronunciation: /ˈt͡ɬɪŋɑn/) are a warrior race in the fictional Star Trek universe. They are recurring villains in the 1960s television show Star Trek: The Original Series, and have appeared in all five spin-off series and seven feature films. Initially intended to be swarthy antagonists for the crew of the USS Enterprise, the Klingons ended up a close ally of humanity and the United Federation of Planets in later television series.

As originally developed by screenwriter Gene L. Coon, Klingons were darkly colored humanoids with little honor, intended as an allegory to the then-current Cold War tensions between the United States and the Soviet Union. With a greatly expanded budget for makeup and effects, the Klingons were completely redesigned in Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979), gaining ridged foreheads that created a continuity error not explained by canon until 2005. In later films and the spin-off series Star Trek: The Next Generation, the militaristic traits of the Klingons were bolstered by an increased sense of honor and strict warrior code.

Among the elements created for the revised Klingons was a complete language, developed by Marc Okrand off gibberish suggested by actor James Doohan. Since its appearance, Klingon became the first fictional language to break into popular culture; the works of William Shakespeare and even the Bible have been translated into the guttural language. According to Guinness World Records, Klingon is the most popular fictional language by number of speakers

[Q Smith]

The Fribble: How To Lose Your Money In Five Easy Ways, or, One Down On Wall Street, by MF Runkle

[Q Smith]

[Q Smith]